Wake up slow

Life doesn’t always turn out the way you plan it to… does it? People make plans and they don’t always come true. People die, people are born, people come into your life and people leave… whether it’s intentional… by choice, or not. Home’s are lost, sometimes they’re found. Sometime’s you find a home within a person, or sometimes the home that you had to leave behind feels like it’s taken on it’s own personality. Relationships are torn apart or sometimes they’re saved.

A close friend of mine’s mother had to leave her today and go up to heaven. That sure wasn’t planned… I can’t even imagine how that must feel. Having heard this today it made me want to crawl into bed with my mom and thank whatever divine force that I got to keep my mom. She’s still here. She gets to see me get married and start my own family. And this makes me think of all the unfair things that life hands us. It makes me think why?  Why do these terrible things happen to us and how do they change us? Along with my friend’s mother, I’m sure a part of my friend died today too. Because a little bit of ourselves lives within every person we love and choose to let into our weird little worlds. I’m crying now for her mother, and for her and her family, not because I was close to her mother, but because something so incredibly unfair happened to them, and they don’t know why. And no amount of explanation will ever make that stop hurting. It will never make it okay. Something so precious was taken from them today. A wife, a mother, a sister. Irreplaceable things.

How do you go on living close to the people around you without hanging on for dear life? When something so awful happens to you… how do you get better again? My mother doesn’t always know what to say to make me feel better… but I’ll tell you this, I don’t think I could survive without her. I wouldn’t be me without my mother. Mothers are the base for which we stand on.

I’m concerned about many of the females of, and below my generation.

The other day a teenage girl came up to me at work, holding a caesar salad and asked me, “uhh what kinda dressing is in this?” in a very “valley girl” sort of way. I looked at her like she was retarded and replied “Caesar… it’s a caesar salad”. She looked at me like she knew she sounded like a retard and said “Oh”.

Why is it that young females somehow get into their heads that just because they managed to have unprotected sex several times and BY SOME MIRACLE didn’t get pregnant that that means that they just can’t get pregnant, excusing them from taking or using any kind of birth control? Yep you guessed it, another one of my high school class mates is knocked up, ready to pop out a kid, because her skeezy boyfriend didn’t like the way sex feels with a condom. Grow up, seriously. And she thought she just couldn’t get pregnant. Why are people getting dumber? Seriously I’d like to know. And no this isn’t the only person that behaves this way that I know personally. What is this world coming to? And the father of this unborn child before the conception of this bastard child, had told this girl that if she gets pregnant then he would punch her in the uterus until her baby dies. THIS is the kind of parent that you would want isn’t it?THIS is the kind of parents our world needs isn’t it?

Holy hell, why isn’t natural selection killing the stupid people that are taking up space on this planet.

I feel bad for the to-be kid that is about to be brought into this world.

It is amazing to me that something as simple as placing a coffee table in a certain room in the house can make me feel like I’m at home again. Ah nostalgia.

Feeling so uninspired thanks to the condition of my intestines at the moment. At least I don’t have an asshole on my stomach. Poor Mommy.

Is God punishing me for something by giving me poop every time I leave the country? WHAT DID I DO!!??

I really do hate life right now.

Being on my period and being sick at the same time makes me want to sit around and watch movies like Titanic and Forest Gump, and The Notebook and cry all day. How much lamer can I get? Then I go talk to people about how sad the movies I watch are and how much I cried and stuff.

Someone come play board games with me or something. Get me away from cliche romantic movies.

Tonight as I was sitting in my bed with my wonderful boyfriend, I got a text message from someone I am not friends with, and have never liked. And the first thing this person did—right off the bat, was insult my boyfriend. First of all, why? I have no clue. Boredom? Perhaps. He proceeded to insult and finally when I told him enough was enough, he proceeded to tell me that the only reason he was saying these things is because he thought I was cute and every time he’s talked with me I’ve been in a relationship and apparently to him “talking to people who are in relationships are boring”. Ooooookay then.

Blah-dee-blah-dee-blah, so on, so forth I got so angry with this person that I told him not to talk to me and I was tired of his bullshit. He kept talking and I refused to respond.

So now, my question, after reliving the frustration in typing this entry, is— Why is it, that someone like this person, someone who I am not friends with and never have liked, is allowed to walk into my life whenever the hell he feels like it, and fuck with my happiness? I know what you’re thinking, he isn’t responsible for my happiness, and thats right he isn’t. BUT- he makes me question myself- he makes me question what I know and what I am certain of. And at first this REALLY pisses me off! (Those of you who know me well know that I am not easily calmed when angry) Then after my, again, wonderful boyfriend gives me some input and puts it in perspective, I realize that I am certain, and confident of all the things he was trying to make me insecure about. And nothing can change that.

So why is this still frustrating? Because I can’t control who walks into my life and throws a punch at me at any given moment. Why don’t we all have some kind of forcefield that you can allow or not allow certain people passed? And why do people just want to mess with other people’s heads? Get them upset? I don’t understand it one bit.

So it was just like that- sitting with my love, having a lovely time and then bam after 1 text I am GONE. Thats all it took. A text message.

Now this is where I tell myself that I am untouchable by any harm. I have a protecting white light around me. Nothing can touch me. And I remember that. And I go to bed feeling lighter and without this anger on my shoulders. This takes practice.

When a flower wilts and dies it does not make it any less beautiful than when it did bloom and emit wonderful perfumes.

Today my aunt looked me in the eye and said to me “If you look in the mirror and see anything but beauty— you need to work on that”.

She was right. Why don’t I, not cockily- but confidently love myself? I think I can if I practice. It is time for me to embrace the beauty in myself and stop comparing myself to everyone around me. I am beautiful in my own way that no one else is beautiful in— I need to stop wishing I was beautiful in someone else’s way. Then it wouldn’t be my own.

It is time to love myself.

I love myself. I am a beautiful person.

Brenn- I love you, and you are beautiful.

I just found out in the passed 24 hours that a newly 18 year old girl I went to school with is 8 months pregnant, another 18 year old girl I know through friends is also ready to drop child, a girl I worked with at Jamba Juice is also pregnant, another girl I went to school with is now married, and another girl I worked with at Jamba Juice (and hated a lot) has died in a car accident in September at the age of 21.

I’m really not sure what to think of these things.

I can’t believe that the girls I know are pregnant this young. I can’t believe that a girl my age is married, and I suddenly feel bad for hating this girl that has passed away, even though she was always mean to me.

This is a confusing day.

Let me be your wings 
Let me be your only love 
Let me take you far beyond the stars 
Let me be your wings 
Let me lift you high above 
Everything we’re dreaming of will soon be ours 
Anything that you desire 
Anything at all 
Everyday I’ll take you higher 
And I’ll never let you fall 

Let me be your wings 
Leave behind the world you know 
For another world of wondrous things 
We’ll see the universe 
And dance on Saturn’s rings 
Fly with me and I will be your wings 

Anything that you desire 
Anything at all 
(Anything at all) 
Everyday I’ll take you higher 
And I’ll never let you fall 

You will be my wings 
(Let me be your wings) 
You will be my only love 
Get ready for another world of wondrous things 

We’ll see the universe 
And dance on Saturn’s rings 
Heaven isn’t too far 
Heaven is where you are 
Stay with me and 
Let me be your (You will be my) wings

-Thumbelina